Tsunami

When Greg called me last night and asked if I was watching the news I thought that he had caught me watching American Idol, something I promised I wouldn't do until he got home. When he started talking about Japan and tsunamis I started looking out the window to see if he was spying on me from the street. But then I turned on the news and realized that it wasn't a joke at all. It's at times like these that I am so glad I live upcountry far away from the ocean.

I immediately began calling all my friends who live in evacuation zones and offering them a place to stay. Most of them, including my Mom, hadn't even heard the news yet. Greg had the privilege of stopping by the store on the way home and standing in line for a few hours for some water and canned food. My stepson filled the cars up with gas (also a very long line) and hit the ATM machines for us. I turned the fan on full blast in Sophie's room to try and drown out the noise of the emergency sirens before they started. These are just some of the things that you do to prepare for a tsunami. And then at 2AM the news announced the wave heading our way had increased from 6 feet to 8 feet. So off Greg and Ty went to empty the Paia store of all the things I wasn't ready to see wash away.

I know that I'm very blessed it all ended up OK. I know that I'm very blessed to not be in the kind of situation that those in Japan are in. Dealing with death and loss on such an extraordinary level. I know that I should be feeling something different in my heart than what I'm feeling right now. But to be honest, to be really really honest, I'm struggling. Sophie Grace Maui has had some challenges these last few months that I haven't been able to really write about. And just like this, they were all because of events that had nothing to do with me. As a Mom trying to provide for her family I'm frustrated because I know that this too will effect us. Spring Break is our busy time, I bought supplies to gear up for that busy time. And now with the airports closed and tourism put on hold, I'm sad.

Please don't judge me. It took everything in me to admit that. In the grand scheme of things my little business is not important. I am very very blessed. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm feeling a little discouraged...

Inadequate

A friend and fellow blogger had this to say last week about why she stopped reading everyone else's blogs.

"They were making me feel pretty inadequate. Every blog made me feel like I was looking at the perfect mother. Their houses are amazing and decorated beautifully, their kids are spotless and dressed to impress and they come up with crafty ideas EVERYDAY. Not only that but they have time to be witty, take their kids on the most educational outings and take pictures whiles doing it. Geesh!"

And I couldn't help but smile while reading it because that is exactly how I feel! So it got me thinking.

First of all, I wonder if that friend and fellow blogger knows that she actually makes me feel inadequate all of the time. She is a mother of three, the most creative person I know, and an amazing business woman.

Second of all, I began to wonder if I ever do the same thing to anybody else? I try to keep this blog more personal and less business. But let's be honest, do I really write about my bad days or my messy house or the fact that I let Sophie watch too much TV? Nope. I don't post pictures if you can see a pile of laundry in the background. And I really don't post photos if I'm in them and you can see the left over baby fat I haven't found the time to lose. So yes, maybe I'm a fraud too. So in an effort to free myself and stop the charade here is a little bit of truth about me.

I don't ever leave my house with a hair out of place. But that's because I'm insecure. I show up to work looking like I've got it all together but what nobody knows is that I left a small trail of chaos behind me to pull that off. I'm probably wearing the only thing that was clean. I probably would have shown up with it wrinkled if my sweet husband hadn't insisted I take the time to iron it. I'm always running late. My house is always a mess. I go to bed every night with the intention of getting up early to work out and read my bible but that rarely happens. I still haven't put together a photo album of Sophie. I forget my shopping list every time that I go to the store. I can't cook. I can't sew. I have frizzy hair. I enjoy Sponge Bob Square Pants. I'm a bit of a workaholic. In fact, I'm completely undisciplined in everything but work. And sometimes I let my daughter get away with too much because I find her defiance adorable!

That felt kind of good.

I'm a Genius.

I'm not one to think outside of the box. In fact, if the most obvious solution isn't going to get the job done then that's it, I'm out of ideas. Like Netflix for example. I had accidentally thrown away a couple of the envelopes that you send your movies back in. For months I couldn't figure out how to send the two extra discs that I had back. Finally I googled it. Turns out you can put more than one movie in their return envelopes. Duh, I know. But still, that never would have dawned on me. Part of why I love my husband is his ability to think outside of the box. Granted, I'm probably really easy to impress. But at least he comes across as a genius at least once a week.

BUT this idea was all mine. My daughter is advanced in all ways but one. I'm honestly not trying to brag. She could hold her head up at birth and started walking at 8 months. And I don't mean like at the end of 8 months so really 9 months. I mean the day she turned 8 months so I could almost say 7 months. She is just freakishly strong and coordinated (which she did not get from me). But the one thing that she has trouble with is silverware. She loves it, wants to eat with it, is determined to learn but just horrible at it. The other day she was trying to eat her Cheerios with a spoon and was getting kind of mad at the whole thing. But as I watched I couldn't help but admire her determination. And as I'm thinking how much easier her life would be if they would just stick to the spoon BAM, I'm hit with a genius idea. All on my own too! Peanut Butter! Not a lot, just a little and she can wield that spoon where ever she wants.

Too bad Peanut Butter doesn't go with everything. Hopefully by the time she figures that out she will have a better handle on feeding herself.

Failing To Do It All

I have a confession to make. I'm a little sad. On the one hand I'm excited for the second location. From a business perspective it's a smart move. And from my perspective as a designer it's a necessary move. I need that space and that exposure to expand. But from a personal perspective I'm kind of a wreck. We were planning on adding to our family right about now. And though a second location was always in the works I didn't really think that it was going to happen right away. I know that I have all the love and support I need should I decide that I'm ready for another child. I'm just sad that I might not be ready. It's a lot to juggle even without children. How would I juggle it with two of them?

I know that the most important part of my life is my family. They will always come first. I just want to be able to provide for them too.

Motherhood

I have had the worst and best morning. And because I can't get past it I thought that it was better to write about what's on my heart than anything else. Besides, it says in my greeting that I would write about being a wife and mother too. So here goes.

It's 7 AM and we are busy getting ready for the day. Greg has a meeting in Oahu, Sophie has Preschool/Day care and I have class. Yes class, a jewelry class that I will talk more about another day. I'm excited. This is my one day off in two weeks and I have things to do. After Greg leaves for the airport I sit down and start making out my To-Do List. By the way, I love To-Do Lists. Nothing makes me feel more efficient than crossing things off of a list. Sometimes I even write stuff on my list that I have already accomplished just for the joy of crossing it off!

Anyway, as I'm writing down all that I have to do my phone rings. It's Greg sounding very apologetic and a tad bit scared. Turns out that he left for the airport with my car keys in his pocket. I hang up and BURST into tears. And I mean burst. You would have thought he called to say he that was leaving me by the way I reacted. It's not that I didn't want to spend the day at home with Sophie. Of course I did. But this always seems to happen to me. I work from home 2 days a week because it is impossible to get everything done at the shop while talking with customers. They are my days, without anybody around, to run my business. They are my days to cross things off of that list that I love. And I look forward to them the way most people look forward to a vacation. But somehow more often than not something interrupts them. Life? Or maybe God?

So as am sitting on the floor with my face in my hands sobbing I realize by the pitter-patter of little running feet coming down the hall that Sophie must have heard me. She runs over to me, gets down on her little knees, moves my hands, and looks up at my face. She gives me the sweetest smile that I have ever seen and starts to wipe away my tears. And in that moment I hear the Lord telling me to slow down and love every minute of my life. Even the ones that I'm mad at. This is the day, this is the moment that He wanted me to have. I can make up my class. I can apologize to the customer whose order isn't getting mailed out today. But I can never get that moment back with my little girl pouring her love on me ever again.

I once read a book by Author Robert Fulghum and he called moments like these, standing knee deep in the river and dying of thirst. I don't think that I ever fully grasped what he meant until just now. But I have a feeling that it's a lesson I will probably have to learn over and over again. And if I get to experience that kind of love in the process than I will gladly take the lesson that comes with it.